I never used to be

Sitting at Ciao Ciao nursing an ice cream gone liquid.
Am here waiting for a friend to show up, did lunch at a beautifuly laid back home restaurant, rode across town for ice-cream when i should be...
Nah i shouldn't be nothing.
Well, he had to step out and take care of some business, and i love the quiet.
It's like, I just rediscovered me. Sitting here watching people, writing out conversation scripts for couples (stuff i assume they are saying depending on body language)
Unplugging people who walk in and out.
Now, that is what/who I was. I loved my corners. I loved talking to myself and coming up with conspiration theories about everything.
Hey, i lived out some of my theories and those are some of the best memories.

So, as i sit at this hard wooden bench at this silly expensive bogus ice-cream place in a so-called rich-neighborhood, listening to TIMBERLAKE'S Mirrors and watching my ice cream melt.....
I decided to just reach for a note book.
And here I am. i am many things, persons but i know a few things i never used to be.
I never used to enjoy hanging out in public places. I loved my bed.
Now, i dont exactly hate my bed but it feels like a prison. It's hard catching sleep without going through finances and the constraints that come with being short on cash perpetually.
Which reminds me, that I Necer used to care/mind about money. It was never an issue. Didn't have much hell, i never had enough but i didnt care anyway. I went with whatever was available. And it had to be enough.
Now, i am always looking for money.

Oh yeah, i never cared much for sexual relations, but now, i do. Am scared of screwing up something good. If the chemistry is right, I'd rather we kept it at that. let's ride on that wave. why bother taking it to another level only to kill it?
so, I've been kissing a perfect boy, who thinks am a perfect girl, and it's perfect. and i was wrong about him. so totally wrong.
Back there, i thought, he just wanted my body for his own satsfaction but i've had to take back my assumptions.
Never had a man who turns me on this much on every sense of the word and he's turned on by me, but listens to my gibberish reasoning as to why its not right.
He complements me at any one given moment. I mean like out of every 3 statements two are complimenting me. Flattering me here and there. And no, i didn't meet him this week. I've known him for plenty years. We separated, i went on to have kids with another man, broke up with the said baby papa, even hurt mr. Perfect crush but he's still here.
Warming my insides like no man ever has or prolly will.

Enough of telenovela love gallore

I never used to thinl about anyone beyond their shadow-now i fall in love with people. I pray for people's marriages, i talk mu friends into making up with their not so nice to me women.
I pray for the woman my baby papa is having a baby with.

I never used to be nice.
Now am nice. Scary, but i love and care for human folk.
I find myself wishing i could save the whole world.
Give out my clothes at the slightest provocation. I give out my money without thinking twice about it.

Alright, now am rambling.....
I love you so much i cant breath sometimes but i will not be with you.