Reflections
Here i am, with all this sadness inside me.
am not even sure if am sad or assuming i am.
It's been a while, a long long while.
And all this time, I just let things boil up inside me.
Now, I can hardly breath. Been holding my breath too long, I nearly forgot how to breath.
It hurts to breath. It hurts to be free.
I know am just being a silly little child, instead of wallowing in my freedom
am here cringing at the whispers of the wind.
It used to be fun to fly free.
USED to be fun.
What happened to my free spirit.
What happened to that free child who used to run whenever the drums played.
One could say, I became a Mum. Yeah, I became a Mother.
But then again, mothering is not supposed to be a prison.
Am not in a prison.
Am in heaven..
Parenting is fun. Single parenting is fun though its not the best fun.
I love my children. I would do anything and everything for them.
What hurts me right now is the fact that they are fixing me.
My children want to make me happy.
I should be the one making them happy.
But then again, an apple doesn't fall far from the tree.... is that what they say?
I think so. In this case, why am i complaing that they r tryna fix me.
I am a fixer. I like fixing things.
I always find a solution. Its not a failure until I say it is. I seldom fail.
I like to think of myself as a fixer.
Maybe that's why i look the other way while others hurt me.
All I want to be is a good mother.
Am i being a bad mother by not giving up my children to a step mother?
Not that I hate step mothers...
But it breaks my heart, am terrified of the day my children will refer to another woman as Mummy
when am still alive.
When I die, it won't hurt. I will appreciate a new mother for my children when am dead.
Not when am alive.
Ram thinks i just hate him by not giving him the children.
He's refused to do child support on grounds that i won't give him the kids.
He had the guts to bring his girlfriend to my house and tell my babies that she's their Mum.
Poor souls were confused. Months later they still had a problem between calling her Aunt for Daddy and Daddy said she's my mother.
Why would one confuse little children like that?
Shouldn't they be able to chose for themselves.
We can't choose who are our parents are...if they are still alive and if they have not given us up.
So i keep asking myself, is this what this guy had in mind. I give birth to my children and give them up to him.
Is that why he kept lying to me....and just when the kids were the right number he felt he could just sweep them from me and i am supposed to do that willingly. Let him take my babies away.
I have lived the last five years for these babies. Given up all. I had never bought myself a new telephone handset since I got Altrairah. Always had hand me downs.
Alright, i get it, it was my fault. No one asked me to give up my life for them.
But I did anyway, because they deserved it. It is their right to be loved.
To be given all, to be given everything.
I got them with my eyes open. They weren't products of drunk experiments.
I carried each of them for nine whole months, and went through normal natural childbirth. Painful and sweet.
And call me selfish. Call me stupid. Brand me. Gimme all names you might think of.
But for as long as I breath in and out, For as along as i have all my faculties working,
am not giving up my children.
Ram started his life, lied to me.. I should have listened to the hints he dropped regarding the new baby.
But then, ram has never been one for being honest. Maybe he's started now. I hope he has started now.
It's a journey. and am sure I'll make it.Am sure we'll make it. Where there is a will there is a way.
This journey is not ending now. Its just beginning.
The struggle continues. single Parenting will have to rock. It will have to do.
am not even sure if am sad or assuming i am.
It's been a while, a long long while.
And all this time, I just let things boil up inside me.
Now, I can hardly breath. Been holding my breath too long, I nearly forgot how to breath.
It hurts to breath. It hurts to be free.
I know am just being a silly little child, instead of wallowing in my freedom
am here cringing at the whispers of the wind.
It used to be fun to fly free.
USED to be fun.
What happened to my free spirit.
What happened to that free child who used to run whenever the drums played.
One could say, I became a Mum. Yeah, I became a Mother.
But then again, mothering is not supposed to be a prison.
Am not in a prison.
Am in heaven..
Parenting is fun. Single parenting is fun though its not the best fun.
I love my children. I would do anything and everything for them.
What hurts me right now is the fact that they are fixing me.
My children want to make me happy.
I should be the one making them happy.
But then again, an apple doesn't fall far from the tree.... is that what they say?
I think so. In this case, why am i complaing that they r tryna fix me.
I am a fixer. I like fixing things.
I always find a solution. Its not a failure until I say it is. I seldom fail.
I like to think of myself as a fixer.
Maybe that's why i look the other way while others hurt me.
All I want to be is a good mother.
Am i being a bad mother by not giving up my children to a step mother?
Not that I hate step mothers...
But it breaks my heart, am terrified of the day my children will refer to another woman as Mummy
when am still alive.
When I die, it won't hurt. I will appreciate a new mother for my children when am dead.
Not when am alive.
Ram thinks i just hate him by not giving him the children.
He's refused to do child support on grounds that i won't give him the kids.
He had the guts to bring his girlfriend to my house and tell my babies that she's their Mum.
Poor souls were confused. Months later they still had a problem between calling her Aunt for Daddy and Daddy said she's my mother.
Why would one confuse little children like that?
Shouldn't they be able to chose for themselves.
We can't choose who are our parents are...if they are still alive and if they have not given us up.
So i keep asking myself, is this what this guy had in mind. I give birth to my children and give them up to him.
Is that why he kept lying to me....and just when the kids were the right number he felt he could just sweep them from me and i am supposed to do that willingly. Let him take my babies away.
I have lived the last five years for these babies. Given up all. I had never bought myself a new telephone handset since I got Altrairah. Always had hand me downs.
Alright, i get it, it was my fault. No one asked me to give up my life for them.
But I did anyway, because they deserved it. It is their right to be loved.
To be given all, to be given everything.
I got them with my eyes open. They weren't products of drunk experiments.
I carried each of them for nine whole months, and went through normal natural childbirth. Painful and sweet.
And call me selfish. Call me stupid. Brand me. Gimme all names you might think of.
But for as long as I breath in and out, For as along as i have all my faculties working,
am not giving up my children.
Ram started his life, lied to me.. I should have listened to the hints he dropped regarding the new baby.
But then, ram has never been one for being honest. Maybe he's started now. I hope he has started now.
It's a journey. and am sure I'll make it.Am sure we'll make it. Where there is a will there is a way.
This journey is not ending now. Its just beginning.
The struggle continues. single Parenting will have to rock. It will have to do.
Comments
Post a Comment