God approves of me.

Staring into the dark, listening to the dogs bark and all manner of night sounds.

Time Check: 3:00 A.m

Micah is sleeping, everyone is asleep. And am awake.

Had an interesting conversation with my favorite cousin-Jojo earlier on.

Well, I was rumbling on and on about how sad, scared I am.

Scared of letting everyone who believes in me down-and oh gurl, lotsa people blv in me

Young and old alike, they all think Mauryn has a solution to their problem.

From fixing broken toys to helping heal broken hearts.

And everything in between.

Even my daughters know Mummy will fix anything they break. Just take it to her and smile,

she'll make it work once again.

Give Mauryn 30k and she'll feed the family for a week! Oh yes I do that.

Even my significant other parent knows, give Mauryn 40k and she'll take care of 3 children for 

a month! 

If that much of a super heroine, why is my heart in shambles?

Why can't I believe in myself.

My bosses believe in me. My colleagues at work believe in me. She can do it all, right down to

graphics design, though i've never been to a graphics' designing class!!!

Oh well, so, 3 a.m it is.

And am reliving my life.

20 years ago, I met my father-my biological father- RIP.

Now that I look back, it was not a chance meeting, my scheming maternal grandma planned it.

so, am introduced to this Handsome man, all dressed up. meanwhile, i didn't even have sandals on my feet.

I'd walked barefoot, uncombed kinky hair, and a dress made from the leftover material of my grandma's gomesi for the previous year's christmas presents.

Two human beings from very different world. After the greetings were done away with, he asked me one question: "Is she there?" 

so i ask him; "Who?" 

Response: "Your Mother.".

 Me: She left this morning.

All i wanted to do was disappear in the ground, I wished i were as clean and well dressed as the brother who'd been introduced to me. Very handsome 3yr old Daniel.

My father didn't touch me. I so wanted him to hug me. I craved his hug, a hair rub or any physical contact.

Well, they left for Kampala, and I went back to school at the end of my holiday. Still no shoes.

My mum passed on, that very year, My father didn't show up. His Aunt though came for her burial.

A year later, I bump into him again, at another funeral. We had another  5 line conversation.

Father: Where are you spending christmas

Me: I don't know

Father: how was school

Me: Fine

Father: Am talking to you, don't you have anything to tell me

Me: Silence.

And that there I realize is the source of my inability to believe in myself.

Years, later, am still waiting for someone to approve of me. My father has been gone for 16 years now.

I love a man who's treated me like my father. 

I long for his approval but get none. I pray he'll notice me but he doesn't.

I know deep down, am looking in the wrong places.

My Lord God, approves of me. That I know.

As of today, November 20, 2012. Lord, I will be satisfied with your love and only your love.

I know now that You love me in a way no one else will ever love me.

Am sorry Jesus for abandoning your love for human affection.

Forgive me Lord.

Gimme the Grace Jesus, to walk and bask in your never ending mercies.

Teach me Lord to love you.

Amen.