Failure

Failure. A word that describes a certain event that’s been haunting us from before we even invented words. But besides fearing failure, we’re also terrified of our inability to overcome it. We are terrified that we might not rise after a fall, we’re terrified that the world won’t be the same. 

Guess what? The sun will rise again the following day, and given enough time, we’ll be okay.

Early on, we build ourselves a certain reality. Our reality; a certain micro-universe – the soul’s version of a personal space. And, even though most times we don’t realize it, we are the ones who give other people or certain events any power over us. We allow someone to make us feel in a certain way, or for their words to hurt us. We alone are responsible for allowing the prospect of failure to terrify us so damn much.

I’ve felt this time and time again. I’ve felt that I was headed for a dead end… at top speed. I’ve felt that the road might never end, that I might never reach my destination. I was afraid that I might fall, that I wouldn’t be good enough. Right now, I’m afraid that I lost a few friends and I will not be able to give my children a great Christmas holiday.

And, quite frankly, I don’t know what to do, what to write, whom to ask for help. I don’t even know if there’s something I can do. All I know is that I feel vulnerable, and I also know that it’s my fault for feeling so. I feel alone, and all I want is for someone to hold my hand and walk me to the place I want to reach.

We never, ever want to feel like that. It’s probably the worse feeling in the world.

The moment we admit that there are certain external factors that can break us, factors which we can’t control, that’s when we lose a big chunk of who we are.

Right now, the outcome of this friendship is beyond my control. Right now, I don’t know what else to say. Right now, I feel that I’ve lost too many battles. I have done my friend too many wrongs, i can't apologize anymore, and I can't face another 'spanking'.

But I also know that things will be okay. They always are. Always will be. Even though I can’t really see it right now, even though it’s not nearly enough to make me feel optimistic about the future. But it does allow me to imagine a future, it does allow me to see beyond what is going to happen in the following weeks.

I don’t know what else to say. If you want to help me out, you can. Don't tell me what to do or how to do it, be there. Stand by and hold my hand. Stand at the shore lines while I struggle with the storm. Save the pep talk, it will not work- not this time. 

Because I will get through it. I will write through it, because writing is the only thing that I’ve had and never lost. Good days, bad days, it never mattered as long as I was able to write.