Memoirs

At two years, three months and twent nine days Lexi called me Mama. don't get me wrong, she's not speech handicapped. She's been adressing me as Mummy since I can remember when. But she'd never called me Mama. I've been mummy to her because everyone around her addresses me as such. Last night, she had a nightmare, and she came to my bed, woke me up crying, all the time calling me Mama. my heart flipped. The emotions that run through me were unspeakable. My girl called me mama. Azzie called me mama. And that, just that one word keeps me going. No one will make me let go of that. The midnight hugs, the smiles, i'd kill for them. This is my life's purpose. I've found my life's purpose. I was created to be Mummy. Their mother, MA, Mom, mommy-MAMA. Love my kids Village Girl (Mother, Friend, Neighbor)

I'll tell you what Sunday morning wasn't when I was but a little girl. It wasn't a work day. Nah, we didn't have to do anything save for bathe, eat, sleep, eat again and sleep. Sometimes, even playing was a no go. We used to go to church sometimes. Rare as they were, church going Sundays were my favorite day of the week. Not because I loved God that much (I do now) but because I got to show off my memory antics. And I could read better than those snob looking so called smartly dressed kids. It was my time to shine. I didn't have shoes on my feet I wore the same blue and white dress each time but I could read the Bible in whichever language it was presented. And I could memorize entire psalms. Then I had to go and just grow up. For some reason I'll never understand, my cute blue dress didn't fit no more. I was not a cute Psalm spitting 7 year old anymore, and I had to be carted off to a boarding school somewhere. That was the end of my fantasy life. My tree c...

Been listening to  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1OTWCd40bc This one line keeps me hitting replay ; " Am on the Shit that you can smell baby- so put down your perfume " This is the last night of normal, of certainty. A new chapter begins tomorrow.  In the silence of this night the realization stings....Drat!! This had to happen now.  Its been normal happening for me to think about this one person. Remind myself all the hurtful things that went down Hurt myself over and over again. Pain and hurt has been normal. This night, I've been trying so hard to remember when I last thought about him and I can't. am trying to hurt at the fact that he got engaged to his new girlfriend, and I can't! My friends and relatives think am covering up, but inside my heart, there is a joy. A joy that I can't really define.  could it be that "Peace that knows no understanding" has finally found its way to my soul? Could it be that I finally got over him. Hahahahaa, well,...

Hey Scrumptious, So, I've been thinking alot about you. Yes you. I know I said my goodbyes and all. I promised myself, promised my friends it was over. But then again, this is me. I can lie to the rest of the world, but I can't lie to my heart. I can't lie to you. I miss you in a way I didn't know was even possible.  The guy who penned the lines "Never knew lonely could tear your heart in two" could have must have known I'd at some point feel that way. How I wish I could hear your voice, just one last time.  I wish I could feel your breath at the back of my neck just one last time. Just once. Let me love you, just one more time. I wonder, if you i've been thinking about you And I wonder, if he knows I can feel him And I wonder, in my dreams when am ...oh boy!! I sit outside at night after the whole world has gone to sleep  and I look at the stars shining brightly up there. A thought-the same thought always crosses my mind Is he seeing these stars? Do y...

Outside my window: Beautiful. Its raining and the sun is shining!! :) all at the same time. Wow.. God is great!!  Wish I had a good camera.. awwwwwwwww, very nice. I am thinking: He's the lighting am thunder... yeah ok, been listening to Kelly Rowland's 'Train on a track' and I just can't stop it playing over and over again in my little brain.This brain of mine with a very low retention whatever. Anyways, am thinking about thinking. In the Kitchen: yeah, lots of things. I hear am on cook duty tomorrow. Ouch!!! A promise I'll have to break. Gotta go to work. Yes Sir, am back to working Sundays.. Hmm! my Sunday breakfast with the lovelies have come to an end. :( I am Thankful: for the Rain. For this week that is coming to a close. Yes, for my friends. and oh yeah .. hahahaha.. Aunt Flow!!! YAY- Don't ask. :-) I am creating: Routines. Workable routines. I am going: to work tomorrow. I am hoping: She didn't take my charger with her. Would be terrible if we a...

Time check: 8:40 A.M I feel like every nerve ending in my body is being crushed with every thing i say, do. Drat! Even washing my hands just hurt. Heavenly Father, it's my day off from work. But then its not my day off from being Mummy and Caretaker. I need to close my eyes, just a lil bit and I'll write more. just a bit, it hurts. couldn't make a minute before they swarmed in on me. even shutting my eyes hurts. Been waiting for this pain killer to take effect but looks like it just wont. Alright, how is it that some people can actually spend time away from their kids and feel no remorse at all? Seriously, how do people abandon children? I got lots lined up today. Grocery shopping, dusting and cleaning, laundry, and oh yeah its movie night! Hmmm! Then there's diffusing fights and making sure the attacked and attacker both go away with their pride and smiles intact. All in a day's work. There is also biting my lip so as not to comment about certain topics around the ...

Ouch! This hurts. Really hurts. Even washing my face hurts