Memoirs

Mauryn's Memoirs: Shea Butter and Memories~Grateful : Timecheck: 04:06hrs. Even the frogs are quiet. An occasional vehicle sound is heard every few minutes-no hoots just a moving vehicle. I&#39...

Time check: 02:11hrs. I should be asleep by all means possible. I should have slipped into slumber mode three or four hours ago but I still can't seem to get my eyes to shut. I have indulged in all pleasures sinful tonight-acts that leave me a guilty note in the morning but get me snoring or dreaming away before the morning comes by.  Well, with sleeplessness comes a brooding that is so annoying loud neighbors do not come close. It comes with all these louder than loud reminders of all things I have attempted and failed at in the previous months. It highlights notes, comments, recommendations, commendations and so much more that have been thrown at my person from all corners expected and unexpected. Seemingly positive and mostly genuinely given statements that should have made me feel and act proud of my simple lost self but instead rack up fires no one would ever have the power to put out let alone look at. Statements that make me feel more a loser than all the things that ...

The day my father died was just like any other day. The sun rose and set like it had done the day before and did the day after. We had lunch and failed on dinner because the adults were wailing non-stop. I was thirteen years old -that is old enough to know and feel the pain of losing a loved one. Losing a father.  I, however didn't feel anything at the time except guilt for still wanting to eat when everyone else in the house didn't feel hungry. Thing is, I hardly knew this guy who had passed on. I could count the number of conversations we'd had in his lifetime with my one hand and even then there'd still be a few fingers left.  The burial ceremony was set in motion, relatives from far and near came to bid farewell to him and I still felt like a stranger in this sea of humans who kept saying "Bambi! obwana nga buto! " Loosely translated to " Shame! The children are still young! "..... My siblings got to wear the black clothes and got ...

"Mummy, let me hold your hand so that you don't fall" My three year old son was my pillar of support this morning as we made our way via a very rugged path to their day care center. I was rendered speechless by his offer and just had to take his little hand until he was sure we were on steady ground and that is when he let go.  Today, I had on a pair of heels that was a little higher than normal and given the terrain we were traversing my ankle was getting a raw deal.  All through my day today I kept going back to that one offer. It is a simple thing or so it seems to be a simple thing but think about it. How many times have you needed a hand? Maybe to help you up or down or ahead.  Of the times you have needed a hand, how many hands have been stretched out to you? Better yet, how many times have you stretched your hand out to another? When you stretch your hand out, do you do it to your known associates or does humanity as a whole benefit from your str...

"Can you imagine what Maureen is wearing today?" "Maureen is so annoying!" Maureen this, Maureen that, Maureen there! Lord! when does this all stop? "Life is the best teacher there can ever be"- I always doubted that when my Lifetime Friend mentioned it some years ago but now.... Now I know. I know that Life has her lesson plans panned out all through one's lifespan and she will ensure that every student gets to learn their portion before she sends them to the next world. I also know that not everyone is a nice person-regardless of how bright their smiles and "awws" are- They simply aren't nice at all. They will plan your exit one minute and kiss you a second after they've implemented their plan. Take for instance this one time random night when I was tossing in my bed- totally sleepless and bored. My phone rang and the caller ID got me grinning but what the caller talked about about was not grin-worthy. Here goes: Ring ...

Job 33:16- says: For God speaks once, yea twice, yet man perceives it not. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls  upon men, in slumberings upon the bed; Then he opens the ears  of men, and seals their instruction, That he may turn man  from his purpose, and hide pride from man. He keeps back his  soul from the pit, and his life from perishing by the sword. Once or more, I have often wondered why religion exists. The teachers (parents, priests, Sheikhs etc) have time and again told about the importance of religion and why one needs to cultivate and maintain a working relationship with God (whomever they perceive Him to be). Now, I am not saying I do not believe in the existence of powers supernatural- I do. But the one question that still fails to get answered satisfactorily is why we have to all belong to different religious sects and yet still claim there is one GOD. That beats my understanding and has me running around almost Godlessly. ...

I woke up today with all intent to write and publish a post but somehow all that goodwill and great energy has vanished. It's not that I have nothing to write about- I do. I have many stories to recollect, lots of memoirs I would like to store somewhere- if only to beat myself up two years after for the bad grammar. However, after reading everyone (almost everyone) else's powerful and fact filled posts, mine seem to shrink in comparison. And no one really wants to be a failure in their own eyes- I am no exception! Two months ago I nearly combusted in front of my teenage daughter and the head of the school she goes to. This child refused to hand in her homework because her answers differed from her peers'! Well, Talk about the apple not falling so far from the tree, matter of fact- this apple refuses to fall from the tree. I am very sure she would feel the same way about me right now if I explained to her why I have millions of drafts and not a single completed story! ...

A little over two years ago, I got bored with life. Not that I didn't have things to do, no. In fact I had a lot of things to do. There was a job to go to five days a week. A house hold full of humans that needed Mummy, Aunt, Cousin, Nephew, Boss for one thing or another. Matter of fact, my life was full but it was empty. So, one idle night I purchased a data bundle and logged into or rather re-activated all my social media accounts. For most of them if not all of them, I had to go about re-setting passwords but I got onto social media anyway. Top of all was #Facebook and it had lots of drama my own life seemed like the most boring cartoon a parent can force their children to watch on a rainy afternoon. However, midst all the drama, there was one or two people who seemed sane and they seemed like they had their wits around them. One of them was a young man called Ivan Onapito . I liked his reasoning and general outlook on a number of social issues. One thing led to another and...

The first day I thought about death, it was kind of scary. And the first few days after that, I was worried and at the same time ashamed of my thoughts. I felt guilty for thinking such 'bad thoughts'. Whenever I sat on a motorbike, I imagined what my lifeless body would look like if we crushed into a trailer or a commuter taxi or simply just fell into a trench. I thought about how my bad thoughts would take along another innocent person's life... me and my death wish. With time, it became comforting. I actually found solace in the thought of being no more. Of my existence becoming obliterated. Of forever no more. Then I looked at my children. I seem to be their every need's provider. A fight amongst themselves will never be cleared if Mummy does not say something. Even a fall at school will still 'hurt' until Mummy says sorry! Micah... oh my Micah, has learned to ask Mummy to forgive him whenever he does something wrong. Goes all stuttery on me after he...

The title to this post sounds a bit vain ... We've often been told never to blow our own trumpets and everything that has self appreciation in it is usually frowned at. However, today I will take a moment and appreciate myself. Below is why: The last two days have seen me play nurse, mother, mentor, chef, farmer, friend, disciplinarian, Logistics officer, technician and Person. I came home Saturday evening to a house full of worried kids-their care taker was crying her heart out. For a moment, I forgot about the bag of #Hershey's Kisses that needed to be placed in the fridge and everything else and jumped into her bed. Rubbed her back, held her close and talked until the sobs stopped and we could get the story out. My children were shocked. They had never in their wildest imaginations thought that 1. Aunt Martha cries or 2. Mummy would be holding their Aunt Martha like she does them. But we all took it in stride and have not yet brought it back for discussion. Martha was d...

Dear Father of my Children, I will believe you are doing well. It is not assumption because you said so yourself. "I have learned to live with and love my demons". I am happy for you. It has been a while since you and I talked but its sad to see that not much, in fact, nothing has changed about our view of specific ideas. But then again the collection of 'things' said to each other increased some last night. See, you kept away from us on grounds that you were tired and done with all my crap. What crap? I do not know. Whenever I can, I ask myself what kind of crap I served you that made you go back on the promises you made to the Children. Promises to take them places, buy them things and all that. And for a reason I fail to see, it is my fault that you will not care if the children you fathered have shoes on their little feet or a drink of water. You and I did fall out when we did-that is okay. We each went on to find other people with whom to share whatever ...

Last week, my love for being helpful found me staring at an office notice board. There was a nicely put piece about everyday being the first day of the rest of your life, so ... whatever. (I hardly remember what the rest of it said.) But I do remember that today was is the day, my future starts. And I do not know what it holds but today is that day that I change my attitude towards work and my boss. I will work on that for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be another start of my new life as and if it comes by.

The last time I posted a memoir was in error. One that got me panicked so bad I pulled down the whole blog. My intention was never to hurt anyone or scandalize anybody for that matter. I decided (was forced to decide) not to write down anything. Not that nothing was happening wherever I have been, a lot has indeed been happening but for the love of reading, I didn't feel the urge to write. Always had one excuse or another. I told myself, when I get a new laptop and phone I will start writing- that I did and still could not even write a Haiku . January has been a beautiful month and as equally dull. I found myself addicted to Candy Crush there was little else I could think of. Candy Crush has been my cigarette, my coffee, my pillow and my teddy bear when I needed to let something out. Ah, that and a non-friend of mine to whom I had become so addicted to talking to, they seemed to be my other Candy Crush. Well, until they decided to push me out of their lives. But anyway, that i...

The year is nearly over.. And yes, I am going with the flow. Getting all sentimental and making all those wishes which I am very sure I will break before December 31 comes by. But oh well, the emotions are just right for this kind of thing. Emotions? Yes, it's that time of the month where my hormones send me on an emotional seesaw. Am torn between staying happy or angry at everything that is failing to go right. It would not be so hard on me if the cramps were less painful. But, I have to contend with these excruciating abdominal cramps and a mood that just won't make up it's mind. Another thing that is not helping is all my 'special' friends seem to have given up on me. I have to be strong for me today. I know I have to-let me see if reminiscing about the year will make my mood lighter. I remember this season with half a smile. Okay, the other half of the smile is on the inside. It was a nice time for me. Carefree to say the least. I lived like there was nothing i...

Nobody’s memory is perfect or complete. We jumble things up, loose track of time. Here in one place then another and it all feels like one long, inescapable moment. I know that because every time I have something to write about- I end up writing about five different things and confuse not only myself but almost everyone within a five mile reading radius.  It is never my intention however to tell seven different stories within one- I am not generous by design just by circumstance (at least I'd like to think so about myself). It has been a year of things going wrong- feels like the gods chose this year to be the one year I achieve so much then lose almost all of it within the same year. What I did wrong, I can't exactly tell. But I keep telling myself, I could be paying for all the sins that have been put against my name from the day I got here. Hold that thought, aren't those sins supposed to have been cleared the moment I went on my knees to say, "Dear Lord, forgive ...

Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. This principle, called conservation of energy, is one of our most cherished laws of physics. It governs every part of our lives: the heat it takes to warm up a cup of coffee; the chemical reactions that produce oxygen in the leaves of trees; the orbit of Earth around the sun; the food we need to keep our hearts beating. We cannot live without eating, cars do not run without fuel, and perpetual-motion machines are just a mirage. So when an experiment seems to violate the law of energy conservation, we are rightfully suspicious. What happens when our observations seem to contradict one of science’s most deeply held notions: that energy is always conserved? This is bound to become another draft that sits on my list until I tap delete. I started out yesterday with a lot of inspiration and had all these words and ideas flowing. But just as I maximized my page to write, the phone rung and School needed me thirty minutes before they calle...

Once when I was sixteen years of age, I landed on a cassette with Miriam Makeba's music. Didn't know what that album was but I sang along to 17 of the 18 songs on that cassette like my life depended on it. My Grand parents had no option but to love the music on it- Yes, they'd bought it on one of their trips to South Africa but had never really "felt" the music. Years later, am sitting at my desk, listening to the same music and wishing I would feel sixteen again. The Album is called Folk Songs from Africa . Beautiful music, but the again when did she ever disappoint? At sixteen, I honestly didn't what I wanted from Life. I lived for the day. Well, most times, I lived for the next book my Grandpa had found me or the next song that was trending on the airwaves. I didn't know why girls in my class were so wound up about who was seen talking to "their boy". I didn't know why so much fuss was created about a baby being born to the family. I didn...

My 21 days' journey is coming to an end in less than 24 hours!!! Hooray! I've learnt a lot or rather re-learned quite some. That is not why I find myself exhausted though. Mama, I will not whine about what you never told me regarding adulthood. See, it has been more than a fortnight of me not writing anything. It's not that I've been in limbo, no. I have lived through many moments I would have loved to share with you here but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe Mama, i've been choking on the very air that has been keeping me going. #Sigh There are all these expectations around me that make me want to escape to a not known place. Don't get me wrong, am not complaining about motherhood. That is just about the only fulfilling responsibility in my stance right now. But, I've made the acquaintance of people. Some good. Really good people who have put me as priority in my time of need. Others came to my space to use me a sample for whatever relational experimen...

Timecheck: 04:06hrs. Even the frogs are quiet. An occasional vehicle sound is heard every few minutes-no hoots just a moving vehicle. I've been awake for an hour or so yet I slept slightly after midnight. Eh! This should not turn into a habit! No, it shouldn't. Today is day 2 of 21 days of Me. But it's not over yet and I therefore don't want to talk about it~that would be premature. Last evening however, I got home to a house full of needs and aches, it hurt. Meet Didi, my 24 year old Autistic Cousin. His is a severe case of Autism we actually have to give him his bath and most times it takes him 2 hours or more to walk from the Dining table to the bathroom which is about 10 (ten) baby steps away. He is Special to me. Very special. So, I came home to find Didi sweating 3 steps away from the bathroom door and my househelp seemed overwhelmed. I had to take over but not before she told me the water guys had been here and there was no water running from the taps anymore!! G...

Today started me on a twenty one day journey where I will be the Head of a household and an entire family. No, not today- Flag off was Yesterday evening but First day on the job was today.<< scratch that Take Two: This morning, Reality finally hit home that for the next 21 days I will have children, grand children, aunts and uncles- neighbors too on my case. " But you have always done this Momo" Yes, I have. But not to this level, a few things were conveniently not mine to think about. I had mastered the art of looking the other way when some of the above mentioned members surfaced. "So, what happened? How come you are in the driving seat now?"  Well, my Partner in Action has gone a-mothering. And now, I am here. It has been three years since I slept in a house where I was the only adult. Last evening, I flagged her off and for the first time in very many years I saw a Woman who needed me. A Woman who seeks love just like she gives it. I wished she were going...