Memoirs

The first day I thought about death, it was kind of scary. And the first few days after that, I was worried and at the same time ashamed of my thoughts. I felt guilty for thinking such 'bad thoughts'. Whenever I sat on a motorbike, I imagined what my lifeless body would look like if we crushed into a trailer or a commuter taxi or simply just fell into a trench. I thought about how my bad thoughts would take along another innocent person's life... me and my death wish. With time, it became comforting. I actually found solace in the thought of being no more. Of my existence becoming obliterated. Of forever no more. Then I looked at my children. I seem to be their every need's provider. A fight amongst themselves will never be cleared if Mummy does not say something. Even a fall at school will still 'hurt' until Mummy says sorry! Micah... oh my Micah, has learned to ask Mummy to forgive him whenever he does something wrong. Goes all stuttery on me after he...

The title to this post sounds a bit vain ... We've often been told never to blow our own trumpets and everything that has self appreciation in it is usually frowned at. However, today I will take a moment and appreciate myself. Below is why: The last two days have seen me play nurse, mother, mentor, chef, farmer, friend, disciplinarian, Logistics officer, technician and Person. I came home Saturday evening to a house full of worried kids-their care taker was crying her heart out. For a moment, I forgot about the bag of #Hershey's Kisses that needed to be placed in the fridge and everything else and jumped into her bed. Rubbed her back, held her close and talked until the sobs stopped and we could get the story out. My children were shocked. They had never in their wildest imaginations thought that 1. Aunt Martha cries or 2. Mummy would be holding their Aunt Martha like she does them. But we all took it in stride and have not yet brought it back for discussion. Martha was d...

Dear Father of my Children, I will believe you are doing well. It is not assumption because you said so yourself. "I have learned to live with and love my demons". I am happy for you. It has been a while since you and I talked but its sad to see that not much, in fact, nothing has changed about our view of specific ideas. But then again the collection of 'things' said to each other increased some last night. See, you kept away from us on grounds that you were tired and done with all my crap. What crap? I do not know. Whenever I can, I ask myself what kind of crap I served you that made you go back on the promises you made to the Children. Promises to take them places, buy them things and all that. And for a reason I fail to see, it is my fault that you will not care if the children you fathered have shoes on their little feet or a drink of water. You and I did fall out when we did-that is okay. We each went on to find other people with whom to share whatever ...

Last week, my love for being helpful found me staring at an office notice board. There was a nicely put piece about everyday being the first day of the rest of your life, so ... whatever. (I hardly remember what the rest of it said.) But I do remember that today was is the day, my future starts. And I do not know what it holds but today is that day that I change my attitude towards work and my boss. I will work on that for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be another start of my new life as and if it comes by.